Corona-Lockdown Spanish Edition - D73 - Heartbreak & Nostalgia

The past few days have been really hard. Not because of the lockdown (although that hasn't helped), but because Friday would have been my Dad's birthday (were it not for that bloody Glioblastoma multiforme). A date that wouldn't have passed unremarked, even if Facebook hadn't provided me with photo memories of the past 10 years worth of crazy birthday celebrations...

The whole week leading up to this has been hard, I don't think I went to bed a single night with dry eyes (which continued some mornings as well). Overflowed to the weekend... and we'll see how the next few days go considering the 28th would be my parents' 48th wedding anniversary.

I know it would have helped my mom if we could have gone to the cemetery to take flowers... but he's buried in her hometown 45' north of us, and because of the lockdown it's only open a couple of hours in the mornings, when I have to work. And they've limited the number of people who can be in there at a time, meaning we could drive up all the way up there on a weekend day and not be allowed in. So we have to wait for the next phase of the "desconfinamiento" and hope they increase the access...

One thing that did soothe my soul this evening at least, I decided to take some flowers to my dad's beach on the Cape (2 blocks from their apartment), and spent a long while sitting on the rocks, looking out at sea, listening to Yo Yo Ma give a live concert of Bach's cello concerto's on YouTube...

Coronavirus Lockdown Spanish Edition - Day 49 - Emotional triggers

You know that expression, the straw that broke the camel's back? It seems quite accurate at times... especially emotionally. When you're already functioning at a high level of stress, anxiety, emotional distress, just holding it in daily, from time to time you allow yourself to forget that things aren't great with you (or you manage to fool yourself along with everyone else). But then the proverbial straw appears and triggers an overwhelming emotional response, completely disproportionate to the straw itself.

That's me today. 

Coronavirus Lockdown Spanish Edition - Day 43 - Still not celebrating

Six months ago yesterday was my mom's 70th birthday. It's a good thing my sisters and I took her out to a concert at the Philarmonic as an early birthday present, because on the day itself we didn't celebrate. We were surrounded by family and friends, but at my dad's funeral... 💔😢 Definitely not good times... but we were still trying to look forward to something, and we decided that 70 deserved to be celebrated, so we'd just celebrate 70 1/2 and postpone the party to 6 months later! (today instead of yesterday because Saturday).

But it's kind of hard to throw a party when not only are gatherings not allowed, but everyone is stuck at home, and two of the main organizers are in different countries (Sweden & UK).

At this point, between quarantine regulations and most of the potential guests being "at risk population" for the virus, who knows how long we'll have to wait... 🤔

So many celebratory events on hold... a friend of mine has her wedding here at the end of September, and she's already talking about postponing it since she's not sure non-EU guests will be able to come from overseas (including her mom!).

#stayhome, #quedateencasa, #restecheztoi

Coronavirus Lockdown Spanish Edition - Day 35 - Distant goodbyes

After the overwhelming first couple of quarantine weeks I've been trying to keep coronavirus "news" down to a minimum. It's too absorbing and not healthy. And it makes me sad. 

I know a lot of people of all ages are very scared of this virus, of catching it, falling sick, having to be hospitalized. In all truth that's not something that has worried me too much. Statistics are in my favor. When I catch it (because let's face it, most of us will at some point in the next year), based on my age and general good health and immune system I should be among the "mild" cases, or if a stronger one have a good chance of coming through it ok. Of course I know there's no guarantee of that, but it is likely. I have had a serious flu once before (2nd year of college) and have no desire to go through that again if it can be helped (have never been so ill in my life!). The only thing that really scares me is catching it and because of that long incubation period (and chance of being unsymptomatic) unknowingly passing it to my mom who is among the high-risk population (70 years old, damaged lungs and other significant health issues). About 70% of Covid-19 cases in Spain have been in people over 50, and over 60% of the ICU cases have been in people over 60. Retirement homes have been hit particularly badly (there are even investigations into some of them to see if sufficient mitigation measures had been implemented).

Whenever you turn on the news, or go online to read about the situation, it is impossible to avoid stories about people mourning their loved ones. Loved ones who died alone, or just accompanied by medical staff. Families not able to say a proper goodbye, even when the death wasn't from Covid-19 because funerals are no longer an option under the social distancing quarantine rules. A few weeks ago a friend had to wait a full day before she could drive 2h to the city where her parents live to be with her mom after her father died. She couldn't go until she had received a copy of the death certificate (needed in case the police stopped her along the route). No funeral, just the two of them at home waiting for the ashes to be delivered. The first week of the quarantine we had the first Covid-19 death connected with my work place. A staff member of the university (known to quite a few people in my office) died, and her partner and family couldn't get together to say their farewells. And a couple of hours ago my sister (who lives in Sweden) told us that her father-in-law (in Texas) was in hospital and her mother-in-law couldn't go see him or be with him. An hour later she told us he had passed. Under the current situation my brother-in-law (or my sister) obviously can't go to the States now to be with his mother. These days everyone has to mourn from a distance, often physically separated from the people who need their comfort. Video calls help, but they're no substitute for a good hug. And that's heartbreaking. 💔😢

#stayhome #quedateencasa #yomequedoencasa #restecheztoi

Coronavirus Lockdown Spanish Edition - Day 6 - not celebrating

A year ago today we were having a great lunch at the beach, happy a successful surgery was behind us, and hopeful about the radiotherapy and chemotherapy sessions that were about to start. We were celebrating Father's Day (March 19th in Spain, coinciding with the Feast of Saint Joseph). I took my dad to the movies (Stan & Ollie) like I always did for Father's Day if I was home...

A year ago today

A month ago I was looking forward to the start of a new year because it meant I could - symbolically at least - start over fresh and hope for a better year than 2019. And it's a very low bar to be better than 2019. Only requirement is my family has to stay alive.

So 2020 should be better (I hope!), but as I'm discovering it's still going to be very painful. Because it's going to be pretty much a whole year of "A year ago today..."

A year ago today my dad had brain surgery. And came out of it unscathed, and with his sense of humor intact - he spent the following weeks talking about the hole in his head and showing off his Frankstein-look with a scary long line of staples along the side of his head!

A year ago on January 9th my dad went in for a brain scan (MRI) at a private clinic (looking into the cause of some symptoms that appeared the previous summer and got progressively worse over the fall), and the next day at doctor friend at that clinic called him and said "go straight to your the ER at your local hospital and have them admit you and get you to see a neurologist". The scan showed something in the brain that shouldn't be there, and the radiologist's expert opinion was tumor. But more studies would be needed to confirm what type exactly (although it was apparently quite clear).

A year ago on January 11th my dad was admitted to hospital and spent several weeks having tests done while neurologists, neurosurgeons and oncologists put together an attack plan. For starters relatively positive: it was in an easy place to access, minor risks for secondary effects, there was a chance it was benign...

A year ago tomorrow (or some day next week, the exact moment the initial suspicion was confirmed is lost in the fog of my mind) the neurosurgeon told us the tumor's name: glioblastoma multiforme, grade 4. Supposedly about as bad as it gets. Composed of various cell types that don't all respond to chemo in the same way. Super-fast growth. Spreads to other parts of the brain no problem... Average survival rate (or until a 2nd tumor appears, which is not always possible to remove through surgery): 2 years if it responds well to chemo/radiotherapy (with the occasional 5 year miracle case). If it doesn't? Less.

9 months later. It was over. The bastard was resistant to the chemo & radio, a scan in July showed new growth in the incision site and two new tumors in the other side of the brain. A strange crisis / tremor / spasm (to this date we still don't know how to describe it) had him back in hospital on July 29th. Home a few days later but unable to walk much without support because apparently one of the new tumors was affecting the right side of his body (hand, leg) and he needed a walker. Then a wheelchair, then no more leaving the house, then no more leaving the bed... And then

On October 23rd we'll be saying a year ago today he left us. On October 24th we said goodbye.

Will our hearts still be broken in October 2020? Oh god I hope not! But it's been 3 months and I feel worse instead of even marginally better.

Maybe one day I'll share about how wonderful everyone was last year. How much love was in our life, pouring in from around the world. But not today. Today I'm just pissed. Because a year ago today I had hope. And a year ago tomorrow I didn't.

CANCER SUCKS